


All Alone

by camichats



Series: Imagine James and Sirius Prompts [198]
Category: Harry Potter - J. K. Rowling
Genre: Alternate Universe - No Voldemort, Comfort, Cuddling & Snuggling, Depression, Established Relationship, M/M, Marauders Era (Harry Potter)
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2021-01-26
Updated: 2021-01-26
Packaged: 2021-03-18 13:40:48
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,419
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/28993077
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/camichats/pseuds/camichats
Summary: James doesn't know what's wrong with his mood lately, but he does know that he doesn't want to talk about it.
Relationships: Sirius Black/James Potter
Series: Imagine James and Sirius Prompts [198]
Series URL: https://archiveofourown.org/series/752925
Comments: 4
Kudos: 39





	All Alone

**Author's Note:**

> For the prompt: “James!depression. James doesn't know how to talk about his feelings and doesn't want to appear weak in the eyes of others, so he tries to deal with his depression on his own. he becomes increasingly distant from the group and often snaps at them when they worry about him. friends think that he has become even more arrogant and resent him for his behavior. so James is constantly alone. but one day Sirius sees an alarm bell and finally understands what is wrong with James.”
> 
> I didn't take this quite as far as the prompt requested, because there's only so much depressed!character that I can write before it starts to effect me, so this is kinda mild fyi.

James didn't really know who he should talk to about it, so he didn't talk to anyone. He didn't want Sirius to think that he was trying to compare their lives and faking it or summat-- besides, their relationship was still pretty new, and he didn't want to do anything to bugger it up. Remus and Peter were trying to focus really hard on their schoolwork this year so that they'd get as many NEWT's as they could. Pretty much anything that wasn't studying or a prank to let off steam from studying got them all testy. With his friends not options, who else was left? Professor McGonagall? Yeah right. They weren't that close, even though she'd started to like him slightly more now that he was Head Boy-- and Quidditch Captain and had won Gryffindor the Cup last year. His parents loved him, but sometimes he thought that they were tired of dealing with him. They weren't getting any younger, and the last time he'd gotten in trouble at home, Dad had been too exhausted to even tell him that they expected better from him. 

So yeah. There was no one he could talk to about it, but even if there _was_ someone he could talk to, he's not sure that he would. Why would he want to bother someone with his stupid problems? He didn't even _have_ problems. He'd hit a personal slump; that's it. 

He'd get over this. It was just a slump. He'd be fine. 

* * *

How long did slumps usually last? James had never had a slump before, so he couldn't compare it to any past experience. The closest knowledge he had was when Sirius got in bad moods, but that was more sudden. Sirius would be fine, and then between one minute and the next, he had the shortest fuse in the world. By that night, he'd be fine again. Sometimes he'd get all quiet and not talk for a couple hours, and then-- again-- a few hours later, he'd be fine. 

Point is, what bothered Sirius was different than whatever it was that was messing with James. And he wasn't even sure this counted as something messing with him. He just felt a little off. 

Did a little off even count as a slump? Maybe he needed to get more sun. 

* * *

Remus unwrapped another chocolate frog, and James had to grind his teeth together to keep from saying something. 

He balled up the trash in his hand, making it crinkle. 

James clenched his jaw. 

Remus absently rubbed the wrapper between his fingers as he stared down at the book. 

"Can you stop that?" James snapped. 

Remus glanced up. "Stop what?" 

"Messing with the sodding wrapper. It's fucking rubbish, just throw it away, stop playing with it like it's your prick." 

He frowned but put it down. "You feeling okay?" 

"I'm fine when you're not being an annoying twat," James muttered, turning his attention back to the form he was filling out. 

The room was unnaturally silent after that, but at least it was quiet. James was able to get the form completed without feeling like he wanted to rip his own throat out. 

Sirius didn't say a thing about it until much later, when Moony and Wormtail left to sneak into the library for a book they hadn't realised they needed. "Hey, are you okay? I know that Moony was being a little annoying earlier, but it seemed like it really got to you." 

"Yeah, I'm fine. You think he's pissed at me?" 

"Eh, maybe a little, but he'll get over it by tomorrow." Sirius glanced at the door, then looked back at James with a smirk. "Now that we're alone... you know what we should do?" 

James hummed, pretending to think it over. "I'm guessing snog?" 

"And you'd be right!" Sirius said, taking the book off James's lap and putting himself there instead. 

* * *

After a couple weeks of hanging out with the Marauders and realising that he was only getting annoyed and snapping at them, he started bowing out. He'd made it about a week before Sirius said something to him about it, but that was easily remedied by telling him that he had all these boring applications that he needed to fill out, and they were easier to get done when no one else was around. 

He had more time alone, which successfully stopped him from yelling at his friends, but now he had the time to miss them. He only saw them in class or when they were all about to go to sleep. He saw Sirius more than that, if only because half the time they spent around each other was snogging and not talking. 

"Hey mate, you coming?" Sirius asked. 

"No thanks," James said, completely disinterested. He had the very busy plans of laying on his bed and pretending like he was about to do something for three hours straight. To break up the monotony, he might use the loo once. Sometimes though, trying to outlast the need to use the toilet gave him something to do other than feel like a failure for not having accomplished anything. 

"You sure? It's Hogsmeade weekend; I thought we were going on a date." 

"I don't really feel like it. Have fun though." 

"Oh. Well if you don't feel like going out, we can stay here." 

"We don't have to do everything together," James said. 

Sirius didn't respond, and James looked over to see him frowning. "I know that we don't _have_ to do everything together, but I thought we liked it that way," he said slowly. He knew that something was wrong, and Sirius wasn't very likely to let it go now that he knew for a fact something was wrong. 

This was the exact situation that James had never wanted to find himself in. He didn't want to lie to Sirius, but he also wasn't willing to talk about it. So he said nothing. 

"You know that you can talk to me about anything, right?" 

"That doesn't mean you'll want to hear it," he muttered, looking back up at the ceiling. 

The next thing he knew, Sirius was crawling up on the bed and laying down next to him. He didn't say anything, and he didn't look at James expectantly. 

They laid like that for a while. Long enough that James started to get sore from staying in one position. He imagined that Sirius was feeling the same way, but he hadn't complained or gotten up. 

James stretched his arms, then propped up on his elbows. 

Sirius trailed his fingers against the back of James's arm. "You can tell me things you don't think I'll like. If I have to talk to you every time I feel a little... weird," he said delicately, "then I think you should do the same with me." 

"You don't _have_ to talk to me. I thought it made you feel better." 

"It does, but I never feel like it's going to before we talk. It's probably the same with you. So stop worrying for a minute, and tell me something. It doesn't have to be everything. Just a little, to see if it makes you feel better." Sirius said it all casually but soft. Like it was no big deal, but it was a secret between the two of them. 

James wasn't sure he would've responded if he'd used any other tone, but it worked. He opened his mouth, and everything he'd been so worried about didn't feel as frightening as they'd been when he thought about it on his own. 

It was just Sirius that he was talking to. Sirius, who was his best mate and his boyfriend, and who he truly did not think he could live without. The same bloke that he'd crawled into bed with when one of them had a nightmare. There hadn't been any judgement then, so why would there be now? 

In the end, he didn't say much, but every word had felt like it had to be forced past his teeth. He'd said maybe four full sentences, but he felt as wrung out as if he'd talked for ten minutes straight. 

Afterwards, he laid back down, and Sirius was still there, right beside him. 

"We're gonna be okay," Sirius whispered, still looking up and not at James. It made it easier to accept, somehow. 

"You think so?" 

"I know so." Sirius's fingers curled into his hand, and James squeezed them. 

Yeah. They would be okay. 

**Author's Note:**

> This is from a prompt driven blog @[imaginejamesandsirius](https://imaginejamesandsirius.tumblr.com) on tumblr. Feel free to drop by!


End file.
